Nick on the Town

Amgen Course is Totally Easy

January 26, 2009 at 10:14 am 4 comments

Lance Armstrong has absolutely nothin’ on me.

As you may have heard, Lance and his cycling buddies are all coming to town on Feb. 14th for the opening stage of the Amgen Tour of California. The opening stage is a “time trial” stage which means each rider goes individually over the 2.4 mile course which circles around the Capitol.

It has always been my assumption that cycling is the easiest sport ever. So, even though I’m not sponsored or even registered, I decided I’d start the Amgen tour a little early and ride the course myself.

It’s common for people to say something is “as easy as falling off a bike.” Fact is, it’s not much harder to stay on one. Actually, it might even be easier. Who falls off a bike? Anyhow, the point is that riding a bike is easy and I was pretty sure I could put up a time right up there with the pros.

The first thing I needed was the World’s Biggest Bicycle Helmet.

Cuz you can never be too safe.

Secondly, I needed the perfect bike. I think a thrift store 1983 Nishiki with questionable brakes and a rear rack (in case I wanted to pack  a snack) was the perfect choice.

The course starts at 9th and Capitol, makes a U-turn at the Tower Bridge and then zips down N street to 19th before ending at L & 11th. If you need a map, click here.

So I pedalled my way downtown yesterday morning to the start line. Of course, the pros – who are total sissies – will have the streets closed so they don’t have to dodge cars or obey traffic laws. Respecting the integrity of the sport, I did not require such luxuries.

I zipped around the course with perfect form, only occasionally stopping for a breather. An early Amgen fan (or possibly a street person), confusing me for cycling’s biggest star, shouted “Go Lance!” at me. Perhaps there’s an off chance that he knew I wasn’t Lance and was just mocking me, but I find that extremely doubtful.

Encountering heavy traffic, I walked my bike up on to the sidewalk for safety’s sake, only slightly stumbling. Carefully navigating the sidewalk, I saw a shiny quarter, but had no time.

Upon re-entering the roadway, I hit my final sprint. The Nishiki’s gears jangling and scraping the whole way. Brake cables dangling like noodles. I blazed across the finish line in a most likely unbeatable 12:03. So that’s where the bar is set, Lance.

Sure, the Amgen website predicts most riders will finish around the 5-minute mark, but I’m fairly certain that was a typo cuz, man, I’m super-fast and I have a very real chance of winning this thing. At the very least, I’ll be at the top of the leaderboard for the next two weeks…assuming the tour officials count my unregistered, unregulated, questionably measured time. And I can’t think of any reason they wouldn’t. Easiest sport ever, I tells ya.

For more info on the Amgen tour of California, which is legitimately a big deal, click here.

Entry filed under: Amgen, Bikes, Events. Tags: .